Letting It All Out is the Beginning

Posted on April 22, 2011


Tomorrow is my final exam in one of the courses I’m taking, but I can’t really focus on studying. The night is about to end and I still have four chapters to read. I’m not really sure if I can finish it. I’m not sure too why I’m feeling so uneasy today. I then decided to take a look at my FB account, and when I realized I shouldn’t be doing it now, I tried going back to reading my book again. I failed again. I can’t give my 100% attention to what I was reading. So, I checked the blogs that I was following. I checked one of my favorite travel blogs maintained by a Filipina like me. Her recent post is about traveling solo. It made me remember why I liked traveling and why I frequently do it alone. There are really a lot of wandering thoughts in my head. I reflected. Then I realized that though the application for studying here lasted for months, I was not ready at all when I left Philippines. I’m not ready until now. I’ve been here for a month but I still can’t believe that I’ll be away from home, for two years. This might be because I conditioned myself to not expect for this. What baffles me though, is the realization, that all the confidence I got from traveling is gone. It seems like it has been sucked up by the thought that I’m here in Korea. I don’t know why. I can’t explain it either. Suddenly, I felt afraid. I feel alone again. Though I’m starting to know more Filipinos and most of them make me feel loved, as often as possible, I can’t suppress the sadness and insecurity at times, more so, eliminate it completely.  At times, while walking outside, crazy things pop in my head like I want to hit someone or I want to pick a fight. I’m thinking that this is because I miss my close friends, those who are on the same age range as I am. I can tell them anything, I wouldn’t feel shy and I’m confident that they will understand everything that I’m going through. I can’t tell what is frightening  being here, but I’m sure about one thing. I am. So, I opened Word and started typing. Back in the Philippines, when there’s no one to talk to or there’s something I cannot say I always turn to writing. It makes me feel at ease.  I think a few sobs will also help then back to reading again.

 This is How My Desk Looks Like When I Attempt to Study